Spinning Daughter

I don’t know what was spinning faster

the wheels 

or my mind

I peddled like I was going to the only place left on earth

but I wasn’t

I was going there

going back

sinking down below me

beneath me

I needed to know why he stopped calling

How could it be that the man with the dirty hands left ME?

If someone was leaving it was me

but it wasn’t

I was coming back

to leave

but not

bees in my throat

screws in my head

screeching

screaming

angry vulgar rage monster thoughts

daydreaming screams until I blacked out,

my own cries re-awakening me

knock on the door.

silence.

door open.

every practiced word vanished without a trace

a whaling little girl cry

was all that was left

“Dad, why did you leave me”

as if I was a daughter he could love

and he was really my dad