She Was Just A Girl. 72

She offered him her smile and her eyes. She offered these things to other men, wanting men, but never a genuine offer. She was aware the less wanted someone was the more passionately they‘d need her. She chose men she felt were less than her to save her heart from breaking further, but it never worked.

She dreamed of him but it never made sense. She begged for him to find her beauty, to know it, to love it, to understand. She knew he’d love her if he just knew her, if he could just understand. He couldn’t. He was wrong in every way. She hated him almost as much as she needed him to touch her, to see her. He sold himself to everyone in his path, but never gave himself away. She gave away every bit of herself until she had nothing left to hold. She wanted to give everything she had to him and she just knew that he would want it someday. She just had to show him who she was. He’d love her. She was sure.

He didn’t. Big surprise. She sucked him off in the bathroom anyway. She hated the taste of his dick. She hated the way it felt in her face. She hated the way he grabbed her head. She hated the way he looked like he wanted to hurt her. She loved that he wanted to do terrible dirty things to her. She hated doing them, but she did. It made her feel disgusting and powerful. She was desperate for power, for love, for something real. So ashamed of this, she hid from it all; made sure she couldn’t have it.

Before any of this she was just a girl. She wore dresses and overalls and costume jewelry. Her mother braided her hair. Beauty didn’t matter yet. She was already ruled by fear. She was haunted by her fathers scent and by the ghosts that lived in the dark. She didn’t speak a word until she was twelve. She ripped up family photos and hated herself for it. Sobbing over them in desperate attempts to save what she’d destroyed she knew it was all her fault.

She wanted him to know this girl. She wanted him to care about her. She wanted everyone to care and to know and to help. Didn’t the world owe her this? Didn’t every single person that didn’t save her owe her something? She begged to be saved. She begged to be someone else somewhere else. No one comes. No one ever comes. How could anyone expect to be saved?